Mortality

It's been a crazy fortnight... actually a crazy few months.  There are things that happen that make you aware of your own mortality and make you so appreciate the moments that you have in life.

My peas in a pod!

To this end I'd like to share the journey that has been the past few months for the benefit of the little people that may read this in years to come.  It's sometimes really nice to realise that your own parents have 'issues' of their own and everyone walks their own journey's and that sometimes you don't know what is going on in the lives of those around you.

Check out my flower!

 On Good Friday of this year I found a lump in my breast.  In my family we don't have a history of breast cancer but in this day and age I know that you can't afford to make assumptions... good or bad.

Favourite toy... the container that all toys are in!

Cute lil' man.

So I checked it out... After I had an ultrasound I was advised it was 'probably' just a milk cyst and I should have a further ultrasound in 2 months.  3 weeks ago I had the second ultrasound and found that the 'cyst' was bigger.  I was then referred for a biopsy... you know... with needles.... ick!   I mean I'm not scared of needles or anything... but there are more pleasant things in life that I would love to be doing!

Tea party with dollies... Tad more interested in the ball!

Who knew that rolling a ball would have us all in hysterics!!

In between the second ultrasound and my biopsy (time frame = 2 weeks) I was actually a little anxious... until my mother made me sit down and do what all good educated people should do... not.  (But in this case reassurance was gained!)... we googled!!

Doing some planting of herbs... will they live?? Not sure!!

Hubby preferred not to talk about it and was not going to get preoccupied making 'arrangements' for what 'could be'.  I, on the other hand was planning all the videos and letters that I would write to both Noosh and Tad for all significant events in the future that I may not be there for.... my wee princess's first dance, her first broken heart, her wedding, my wee princes' first car, first date (eek) and his first child.  So many moments of calmness and relishing their presence (crying or not) followed.

So beautiful!

I am still giving Tad a little feed before I go to bed at the moment, and I truly think this is my most favourite time of day.  I scoop his little body (lets be honest, hes' not little... he's ginormous!!) up from his slumber and perch myself on the end of Noosh's bed.  My little man stays asleep and fills his tummy and in the darkness I look at their peace-filled faces.  Sometimes I wonder how I ever managed to live without them... other times I reflect on just how much they have taught me... other times I just think of how unbelievably blessed we are to have such beautiful beautiful beautiful children.  They amaze me... how fantastic that I got chosen to look after these little lives... to encourage them, to be their biggest cheerleader in life, to challenge them and lets be honest... maybe yell a little (only occasionally).  What an enormous responsibility! (See I have a tendency to go quite deep in these wee treasured moments!!)

One of those moments... she wanted to sleep in her old cot... so... she did!

Isn't he handsome?!

Anyway...

In a funny turn of events the radiologist who did my biopsy last week works with me at the hospital I work at so although we had never met we had a lot of information to share about mutual colleagues.  Was a little odd that I was undressed for this conversation but in the world of medicine I know what it's like (and I have had 2 children so I know all about dignity walking out the door!!)

Watching the ipad in my 'special' seat

Wee boy (excuse the feeder) attempting to crawl.

I'll never forget what he said after the anaesthetic was done and he was drawing the fluid out (is this too much information)... he said the magic words...'Well we won't be sending this fluid away for testing as I am 100% certain it is a 'milk cyst' (although he did use the technical terminology for 'milk cyst'.  I have worked in the medical profession for 13 years and I didn't realise that in the background of my optimism and common sense, sat a low grade anxiety.  For just over 2 months, I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for someone to stop time and give me bad news.  What a blessing! God obviously knew that I have other things to do in my life... I have 2 beautiful, amazing children who bless my life everyday that I am to take care of (and He obviously knew that Hubby couldn't do it on his own - he he).  So there it is... my little miracle... my unbelievable relief speaks for itself.  In saying that, I think its been such a growing experience to go through, making me cherish the little things, the big things and everything in between.  Don't get me wrong there are still moments (like today when Noosh missed the toilet for the second time) that I don't respond very well to, but it's just a moment and the reality is that I am here!

Decorating Daddy's birthday present

Whirlwind

The last fortnight has been particularly chaotic... in a good way...

We moved house last weekend... whew!! Somehow though, I managed to score big time by being in NZ. Sadly though the boxes didn't unpack themselves and we are still working though a few more before I think we can say 'it is finished'!

Noosh and Tad have been in the thick of it for the last 4 weeks, packing boxes and unpacking boxes. We even arrived home on Monday night to have had our power disconnected. Somehow we managed to give the children something to eat and put them to bed before the power was reconnected at 9pm. (Note: This was the power companies oversight, not us not paying our bill - just wanted to be clear!!)

We are now on the ground floor (woo hoo) and I have a clothesline.  I get so much joy from hanging out my washing now!!  So no more clothes horse (have done this for the last 5 years), and no more 6 flights of stairs with a toddler and baby!! Sigh.

I visited NZ for a mere 36 hours.  I knew it wouldn't be long enough but I love that I got to see some of my most favourite people and reconnect... and know that all is well and that we can pick up where ever and when ever.  The reasons for being in NZ were for a baby shower of one of my besties and to meet my newest niece, born in January!  Tad and I went together and left Hubby with Noosh for the weekend.

I got to meet my gorgeous niece.  Tad was also quite taken with her.  It was such a treat to watch my brother interact with his wee girl and finally spend some time with my sister-in-law which is what I've been longing to do since their engagement - sadly the time was but fleeting!!  They are both besotted with their wee girl and I'm pleased to say that she is so good to them! 

It is definitely an interesting season. Tad has decided over the past 8 weeks that sleeping is over rated and with so much going on with moving and different time zones, injections, colds, ingrown toenails and things, Hubby and I gave in to the multiple appearances overnight.  Suffice to say that over the past 8 weeks I have not slept longer than 2 hours continuously.  Believe me, it is a sorry state of affairs when the idea of a 4 hour sleep is luxury!!

So last night we decided that I could not continue so we are attempting to get our wee (adorable) man to sleep through again using the principles from Save our sleep.  I have never been a fan of controlled crying and the Save our sleep idea is that you never leave your child but stay with them until they sleep by your presence.  Sounds lovely right?!!! Well, I wanted to chuck the book away at 3.45am this morning after said baby started crying at 1.45am!! For 2 hours (not continuously as it was far too cold!!) I stood like a dutiful mother at the side of his cot rubbing his back, patting his bottom. He did not get any milk (probably much to his horror) and I WON!! Sleep reigned at 3.45am!! Tonight has to improve doesn't it???

But both children are sleeping soundly now. They are having to share a room at the moment so it is interesting as Noosh gets transferred to Daddy's bed when Tad wakes and sleeps the remainder of the night there - I get relegated to the single bed next to the cot! (Until Friday night when it is Hubby's turn!!! - 4 hours of continuous sleep here I come!!)  The hilarious thing about this is that Noosh has started to sleep talk... the night before last she proclaimed 'Mummy go wees' and last night it was 'No, I do it... I do it'. Too cute!

Anyway, sorry for the silence of late... it has been far more important to make the house livable and now that the computer is out of sight (in its own room) it is more difficult for me to get to.  I'll endeavour to take a few photos of the house so you can see our surroundings.

Tiredness

Ever since having children tiredness is a state of mind... it's always there... so becomes the status quo.  I don't know what it would feel like to not be tired.

Perspective:  (And know I wouldn't change a moment).  My last sleep-in past 7am was prior to our eldest being born, 2 whole years and 4 months ago.  The one night I had away from her (and there has only been 1) was when I needed to get up at 3am to catch a flight back to Australia... so much for a sleep-in.  Hubby and I have never had a night away from our babies.  We are in the situation that we don't have family close and they have been so little for a long time and reliant on me for 'milk'.

Having said that, I think I would feel slightly nervous about leaving them.  We have just discovered that the nursery carers that look after them both offer a babysitting service also.  (Just in case Hubby wants to take me out for dinner... wink wink for you Bones when you read this later!!) I feel better about having someone who looks after my children 2 days a week looking after them at night as believe it or not these 'strangers' are familiar faces to my little ones. But this makes me sad... makes me sad that the apples of my eye (and oh my gosh they are the biggest apples!!) know people better that are not any relation to them.

We've had a rough week sleep wise.  Poor little Tad has a cold, a cough, an infected toe, eczema and had injections last week.  He is always hungry this week. A shout out over social media (facebook) saw friends from all over the world offer their best sleep advice, so I am feeling well and truely loved in spite of my sleep deprivation (which I stupidly thought was in the past given that Tad has been sleeping through the night for the past 5 months!!). I also have such amazing Aunties who their jobs are working with these little people who offer black and white advice, just the right amount of empathy and always with the perfect amount of love. (Mum make sure you let those Aunties know that I appreciate them).


So today, because last night was the worst night ever and I didn't get much sleep from 3am onwards, Noosh and Tad are sleeping.  In fact Tad is having his second sleep of the day and both have been upwards of 1 hour.  I don't know what that means for tonight??

But look at these photos of my little people!!?  How can I get angry at 3am when you are faced with a smile like these?

And lets be honest... I would never have another sleep-in in my lifetime if it meant that I could keep these kind of smiles on my little peoples faces.  It is a matter of perspective.  And my perspective, albeit, tainted with tiredness, is that I adore my little ones and 'happily' attend to their needs.... even at 3am in the morning.  As an amazing friend said to me recently, love is a choice and sometimes, especially with children, that love is not so much felt but expressed through choosing to love them and attend to their needs.

One of those days

It's been one of those days and in order to 'deal' with the day I feel like I need to admit my shortcomings.

Hubby is away at the moment. This is not unusual as his job calls for him to spend nights away from the family.  So his alarm went off at 4am yesterday morning! (That was my first wake up call).  Then for whatever reason both children decided that 5.30am was a perfectly acceptable time to wake and start the day.

It was a pretty enjoyable day to be honest. We had a friend over for the morning (who bought morning tea - I love that!!) with her little boy who is the same age as Noosh.  Small interventions were necessary to ensure things didn't end in tears but otherwise was so nice on a pretty dreary Sydney morning.

Heres where things start to deteriorate... bed time! Normally there are 2 of us to do dinner, bath and bed but had to do it all myself. Again not so bad. Noosh is so awesome at going to bed. Once she is in her bed she doesn't get out until the next morning - or so I thought. What a blessing. Tad too is pretty good if he is tired enough. So by 7pm I am pretty drained from having to do everything.  Then I get an email from work to say that my first patient in the morning is at 8.30am. Grrrrrr. It takes me about an hour (in traffic) to get to work from the children's nursery but I have to get to their nursery first and they only open at 7.30am.  It's going to be another full on morning... but I can do it... heck... I've dropped Noosh off at nursery using buses and walking so I can do this!!

10pm last night Noosh decides that she misses Daddy and I suggest we ring him.  So we do. Hubby talks to his darling wee girl and peace reigns again.  10.30pm Noosh quickly becomes unreasonable about wanting to see Daddy so I bring her into our room and bed and tell her she can sleep in Daddy's side of the bed.  (Nb. Noosh is not a good bed sharer... she wriggles and wriggles and kicks and squirms). So no sleep was got between 10.30pm and 1am and finally I ask Noosh if she wants to go back to her bed. 'Yes Mummy' was the answer (Doh! Why did I not do that an hour ago??!!)

Finally to sleep at 1am... only to be awoken (yip you guessed it) at 5am and 5.30am by Tad then Noosh.

4 hours sleep ... sigh...

Somehow I manage to stagger through breakfast for children and myself and manage to leave the house at 7.15am in order to get to nursery 5 mins late at 7.35am. 7.45am I am again in my car and attempting to fly in the car above traffic to get to my 8.30am patient.  (Chitty chitty bang bang.. were are you my fine 4-fended friend???!!)  But I made it (woohoo) and worked to my hearts content.

Further deterioration occurs now.

I collect the children from nursery. Have to do supermarket stop on way home as need milk... Doh! Noosh cries the whole second half of the supermarket escapade... I ignore for sanity reasons. Tad is just a model child... smiles at everyone and melts my heart.

Home at 4.30pm. I inwardly groan as Hubby not home till 9pm tonight so I've got to do dinner, bath, bed all over again by myself. Noosh tired and refuses dinner, cries throughout the duration of her bath and for the duration of me bathing Tad.  I now start feeling sorry for myself... I am tired, sweaty (it is so humid here at the moment) and hungry having fed both children, bathed both children and nearly about to put them both to bed.  Needless to say I have a short fuse and I may have exhibited said frustration by speaking very 'firmly'. I'm pretty sure Noosh was thinking to herself, 'where did my mummy go? This one isn't very nice.'

However, 7.30pm came with both children in bed. I have regrouped (and fed) myself and now think 'oh dear... I was pretty unreasonable'.

It's days like the last 48 hours that I have the most respect and the most admiration for single parents. I adore my kids but on the back of tiredness (all parties) all of us become unreasonable and think just of our own selves (guilty as charged).

However, in the last 48 hours in the middle of what seemed like a mess and that I wasn't being such a good mum stemmed some amazing times:

• Cuddling and snuggling with my little girl in bed last night (a few giggles were shared too)
• Friend commending me on my 2 year old intervention when my 2 year old pushed other 2 year old (where do they learn such things)
• Doing a jigsaw puzzle and letting Noosh direct the play this afternoon. (Have a friend doing a parenting course that she is blogging about and she is all about child led play at the moment... I'm learning as a result of her!)
• Having a whole hour with Tad when Noosh slept yesterday when we just interacted and giggled and basked in one anothers company
• Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that Noosh adores her Daddy
• Loving that all the way in another state Hubby was willing to stop whatever he was doing to be the knight in shining armour to his little princess.  His words made all the difference in her little world and you could tell as she hung up the phone, sighed and laid her head on the pillow that she genuinely just missed him.

So with short fuse and everything... we managed some good times... now I'm not feeling so bad... Thanks!!

(Note: None of these photos were taken in the last 48 hours but I just wanted you to have some photos to look at!!)

It's been brought to my attention...

Yes... it has been brought to my attention that apparently I am not allowed to share only the good stuff that I do as a parent... but rather have to share the mundane and reality that I am not the pulled together and fantastic 100% of the time parent that I have led you to believe(??? - Thanks Mum!!).

So heres a bit of  a taster...

5.30am (Yes AM) - Got up before the children and showered.

6.00am Tad up so fed him.

6.15am Expressed milk so that has enough at nursery

6.30am Noosh up - breakfast. My own breakfast (including cold coffee) - pack children's bags for the day. Give Tad a little more milk.

(Nb. Aiming to leave home at 7.15am to get children to nursery so I can get to work by 9am.)

7.15am Nearly walking out the door... hurray!! Noosh spills her rice bubbles all over the carpet... Damn - can't leave milk as will curdle... Settle for just cleaning carpet and leaving rest of mess on kitchen bench - I'll regret that later!!

7.30am Walking out the door (take 2). Noosh crying cause I told her off for throwing her bubbles on the floor, Tad crying cause doesn't want to be in car seat.  Walk down 6 flights of stairs with both children in melt down mode.

7.35am Buckle Tad's carseat in, put melt down 2 year old in carseat. Drive to nursery... Hurray!! Both children still crying.

7.50am Drop off. Noosh's bottom lip quivering, holding back tears... ask if wants cuddle.... hysterical cries ensue!! Nursery staff tell me to go and not prolong my hysterical daughters pain.

8.10am - In carpark outside nursery in car.... have a little cry to myself that Noosh is soooo upset. Ring Hubby to tell him that we are pulling our child out of nursery and I will quit work.  Hubby talks sense into me. Hang up. Drive to work.

9.00am - First patient....  7 whole hours with no hysterical tears or temper tantrums - crazy??!.

2.30pm - Bursting... need to express. Lock myself in toilet for 15 minutes getting liquid gold for little Tad.

3.00pm End of working day - walking to car. Listen to radio. Singing to music. (Maybe a little bit of head bopping occuring).

4.00pm Arrive at nursery for collection of children. Noosh sees me and her little legs run like crazy to give me a huge hug... oh how I love this part of the day.

4.20pm In car... Noosh starts crying as wants to 'eat'.  Have nothing prepared... Doh!!

4.40pm Home... up 6 flights of stairs carrying capsule, all of childrens bags plus own handbag. Noosh wants me to carry her, no spare arm. Melt down part 2 ensues.

5.00pm Damn... no food, no milk.  Phone call to Hubby.... 'please pick up milk on way home' ... Hubby says 'anything else'... I say ' Yes, dinner too!!!'

5.01pm Brainwave, 2 minute noodles!! In pot. 2 year old in front of TV. Whew (silence).

5.04pm 2 minute noodles a little overcooked... high chair moved in front of TV. Noosh having noodles for dinner.  (I'm sure they have a little bit of nutrition in them plus she had lunch at nursery and that was probably nutritious - not going to feel guilty).

5.06pm Look around house... pig sty! Cloth used to mop up spilt rice bubble has baked in sun all day on bench. Yuck!! Lets not dwell on this, I knew I would regret it.

5.10pm Tad wakes up (still in carseat). He is now grumpy as hasn't had good sleep. Not due for feed until 6pm but not happy unless I hold him.

5.35pm Hubby walks in with milk. Tad goes to him. I retreat to kitchen to make 'dinner'.

6.00pm Beef stir fry whipped up (I could have done something like that for my child couldn't I????)
Tad fed.

6.15pm Dinner inhaled.

6.16pm Bath time.

6.35pm Children being dried, powdered and dressed.

6.45pm Tad given 'top up' feed. Noosh doesn't want to go to bed so threw final tantrum of the evening.

7.00pm Bed time, story, prayers

7.01pm Sigh of relief and reflect that next time I should probably be more organised on work days like today.

7.30pm Mummy in bed??... actually not quite but I probably should have!!! Instead ate an enormous slice of Hummingbird cake (with chocolate icing - thanks Sarah for this thought) just because I could!!! (btw, this is not the slice that I ate... that is rather extravagant!!)

So in the 4 hours that I spent with my children yesterday, most of those minutes were filled with hysterical tears or fraught with a list of things 'to do' (bath, bed, feed). The emotional highs, when Noosh's little legs couldn't run fast enough vs the emotional lows, when leaving Noosh at nursery.  It was an action packed day. Yes, I fed my child 2 minute noodles.... yes, I put them in front of TV... and I probably did a hundred other things that I vowed I would never do as a parent.  So yes... I need to revisit working days and work out what works, what doesn't and how I can have a 'better' day than yesterday. So I don't have it all together as a parent but this is me... being real with you.. just incase you thought I did have it all together!! (But yes... I did take photos!!!)

P.S. Just as well days like today are not the norm... but they do happen!